95. France 2002

RESULT: 95th

YEAR: 2002

COUNTRY: FRANCE

ARTIST: Sandrine Francois

SONG: "Il Faut Du Temps"

PLACING: 5/24". . . Je me battrais pour ça, ici et maintenant, moi, je n'ai plus le temps, j'ai qu'une vie devant moi . . . "

After lingering around the bottom of the table for a few years in the late nineties, France returned to form at the 2001 contest in Copenhagen in triumphant style, coming 4th. The French didn't rest on their laurels however and sent a song with a similar amount of fanfare to the next contest in Tallinn. Sandrine's moody ballad about fighting for love (well I think that's what it's about) garnered a similarly good reception from the televoters, ending in 5th position. I think I like this song less than a lot of other Eurovision fans, so it feels a bit weird championing it in 95th place, when lots of you (well the 3 people that might read this) probably feel it should place higher. I almost feel like I should explain why isn't higher. I don't love the staging. Sandine moves around quite a lot and I feel it would have been great if it had just been stationary. There wasn't much atmosphere on stage either, but I think a lot of that was to do with the general staging. When I think of the 2002 contest, I almost think of a cartoony stage and feel, whereas this could really have done with smoke machine! Definitely not suitable for Mlle Francois. Certainly the song is very strong and is the kind of timeless French entry that would be equally at home in next year's contest. Although it would probably end up 22nd.
The worst thing about this was the outfit. Sandrine, who is clearly gorgeous was dressed like some peasant extra from a High School version of Robin Hood The Musical! Over it.
Oddly enough my favourite Eurovision memory involving Sandine isn't "Il Faut Du Temps". Instead it was when Sandrine gave the French votes the next year and seemed pretty wasted. I love when Marie N talks over her and she puts her finger to her lips! Then she was totally sultry and all "Douze ponts - pour . . . la . . . . Belgique!". In 2002 she seemed so serious but apparantly the groupies that come with singing a Eurovision entry had loosened her up!

Best Bit: It was great to see both France and the UK back in the Top 5 in the same year. Clutching at straws much?

96. Iceland 2007

RESULT: 96th

YEAR: 2007

COUNTRY: ICELAND

ARTIST: Eirikur Hauksson

SONG: "Valentine Lost"

PLACING: 13/28 (Semi-Final)

"There is a reason why a haunted man remembers, one frozen night, his darkest day"

Somehow it felt very wrong putting that quote in purple italics.
The 2007 Semi-Final was ridiculous. Actually let's be bold and go further than that - the entire 2007 contest was ridiculous. No other word for it. 28 countries fighting for 10 qualification places, whilst total nonsense like Ireland and Armenia has pre-qualified for the final. It was always going to end badly. But out of the qualificationforwardslashresult chaos that ensued, we got the shiny new two semi final format which I love far too much. One of the most distressing casualties of the War and Peace Semi Final (™) was "Valentine Lost".
Two-time Eurovision artist, Eirikur Hauksson returned after 16 years to face semi-final failure and afterwards I kinda bet he wished he hadn't bothered. The indignity of being beaten by Moldova! This certainly was one of the most authentic rock performances of the decade. Sometimes a guitar appears at Eurovision and you think "Not one person on that stage knows what that is, never mind can actually play it" but complete with lovely long hair (um) and a steely expression, Eirikur gave a perfect rock performance. Normally anything with even the vaguest hint of rock gets me hatin' (I must assure you, I don't talk like that in real life), but I really enjoyed this. Also, man playing guitar in tank top and leather trousers - HELLO! Loved that. Although I was slightly distracted by the man on the drums who seemed like he'd got lost at the rehersals for Lithuania's next novelty expolit. As Dame Terry Wogan would have said "That boy's building his part".
This song was very unlucky to miss out on the final. 13th in the Semi-Final where nothing qualified from Western Europe after performing 5th, with another 23 countries (i.e. the entire 1999 contest!) coming afterwards. This song marked the 3rd time in a row that Iceland failed to qualify from the Semi-Final with a song that a lot of people thought would qualify. Thankfully Iceland weren't perturbed and came back fighting the next year . . . (that sounds like a lead in for Euroband being tomorrow's entry, but it's really not - they're much higher up the list!).

Best Bit: Tank-top/leather trouser man. Sorry Eirikur but if he was the leading man - you totally would have qualified.

97. Iceland 2000

RESULT: 97th

YEAR: 2000

COUNTRY: ICELAND

ARTIST: Einar and Telma

SONG: "Tell Me!"

PLACING: 12/24

"Oh... I don't know if it's fact or fiction, but I'm sure we'll make the right decision, look into my eyes now, baby, give it all you've got!"

All the way back in 2000, Iceland's follow-up to Dame Selma Bjornsdottir (who in only the 4th post has racked up a second mention on this blog) came in the form of Einar Something-Whatever and the suspiciously similarly named Telma Agustdottir. Iceland do enjoy a -dottir don't they? But success couldn't quite repeat itself . . .
If Donna and Joe were in the runners-up in the High School talent show, Einar and Telma are your Geography and Chemistry teacher doing the interval act to stunned applause of the audience. It's a little bit rocky, a little bit country, a little bit pop and very MOR. Nothing's offensive here and it's pleasant to bop along to - although truthfully, despite what you may have heard i'm not really a bopper.
The outfits are bizarre. Truly BI-ZARRE. And from what I remember not terribly reminiscent of fashion at the time. I've never been sure of a man in a . . . what is that? A sarong? Telma's feather hair and pleather dress haven't escaped my notice either!
I was a little surprised it ended up as low down as 12th. Especially when the fairly similar, but not as strong Norwegian entry ended higher. But the if we were to start picking holes in the unusual Eurovision results during the decade, we'd be left with very little contest to debate over. And I'm sure Einar and Telma will get another shot at Eurovision again, most likely singing back-up on an upcoming Icelandic entry - they all do it! One tip I would give you however, is to avoid the postcard for this if it's nightime, or if you live alone, or generally don't care for spooky stuff. Very Blair Witch Project! And perfect for a Halloween entry.

Best Bit: Not specific to this song per se, but I loved Iceland's lips in the background! Good work SVT.

98. Lithuania 2007

PLACING: 98th

YEAR: 2007

COUNTRY: LITHUANIA

ARTIST: 4FUN

SONG: "Love Or Leave"

RESULT: 21/24 (Final)

"Weak and unwise, I betray all fears that I should disguise, melting in your arms, I fail to realise, why the mornings always change the colour of your eyes"

Bit of a change of pace here eh? From songs verging on novelty, to songs verging on . . . suicide? 4Fun? Really? Based solely on their Eurovision entry, I don't think a group has ever been so incorrectly named. "Love Or Leave" is many things, but "fun" it ain't.
I can totally imagine being in New Orleans in some jazz bar and hearing this song in French. It would have been perfect in French! It's very good in English though. So many Eurovision songs are lyrically a bit sketchy (Lena Philipsson, I'm looking at you!), but this one is really good - perfectly evoking the feelings and emotions of lost love. Everything is very low key with this entry. And while that's lovely, and makes a nice change in a contest full of general nonsense and an assortment of caterwauling, I think it's possibly a bit too low key. For instance, I wish the camera work had given us some long shots. The whole things felt like it could have been filmed in a studio and not in the arena at all. And whilst I'm sure it was to deliberately make everything more intimate, it didn't feel very Eurovisiony (yes - Eurovisiony is a word). The draw didn't help it either - coming after similar shorthaired Eastern European woman singing tale of woe (i.e. Magdi Ruzsa from Hungary). The shadow background was nice but I always imagined it could have been built up a bit more i.e. Lead singer Julia is on her own at first, then the band are revealed in the shadows and then finally the screens are gone and we see the entire group. It is the most grown up of Lithuanian entries - although don't forget that for that title it was competing with songs including "U Got Style" and "We Are The Winners". Talking of "We Are The Winners", isn't it ironic that a country can enter total nonsense and come 6th and yet something classy and understated languishes in 21st place. 4fun do have something to thank their predecessors for, without their strong finish in 2006, this would never have been in the final.

Best Bit: Surely the highlight is that when the word 'Lithuania' came onto the screen, for the first time I didn't need to apologise to those watching with me for what they were about to wtiness. It's called progress, Lithuania. I was proud of you. Until "Nomads In The Night" at least.

99. Austria 2005

PLACING: 99TH

YEAR: 2005

COUNTRY: AUSTRIA

ARTIST: GLOBAL.KRYNER

SONG: "Y Así"

RESULT: 21/25 (SEMI-FINAL)

"Bailar como Latina, el ritmo puro de la música alpina, Y así, Y así, Y así baila la chica del Caribe"

More madness today. Okay, so Ireland and then Austria 2005 aren't exactly the best way to endear you to my sophisticated taste, but please stay with me - it does get better! Tomorrow's song is an actual FINALIST. Although it didn't actually quali . . ANYWAY, um, moving on . . .

Global Kryner's mid-decade effort has lots in common with Donna and Joe besides the year. Western European, deliriously upbeat, generally acknowledged to be in very bad taste, when actually it's just good, clean fun folks. I love the idea of the storytelling in the song - girl arrives from Cuba, entices the locals with her Hispanic charm, learns about the yodel, falls in love with yodelling boy. It's gripping stuff. Especially when the rule of thumb in 2005 seemed to be -

'Pretty girl + Ethno-beats + WTF choreography' = Cha-Ching!

"Y Asi" made a welcome change. I love the way that the song merges Cuban rhythms and an Austrian folk feel, I think the performance is really charming, I love a yodel (Latvia 2001 excluded). Although I've never understood why the non-vital members of Global Kryner (i.e. everyone but lead singer Sabine) turned up channeling Sue Sylvester in outfits that you could imagine American athletes wearing to the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic games, when surely they could have went wild with lederhosen! Talking of costume, wouldn't it have been great if Sabine had started in the Austrian apron, but ended the song with more of a Flamenco feel? Possibly a flower in her hair? Just me?
This song was always going to have difficulty qualifying, but one thing I cannot grasp is that it got just 30 points, and yet the trainwreck that was the Portuguese entry ("Amar", which suprisingly won't be making an appearance in the countdown) managed to get 51. No wonder Austrian broadcaster ORF had had enough! Actually lads, if Iceland can stick around after Dame Selma's cruel defeat, then so can you! This of course was the beginning of the end for Austrian Euro dreams. After the failure of Global Kryner to progress to the final, ORF threw the towel in, albeit for just 1 year initially. They will be back next year however. Hopefully with a song as cheerful as "Y Asi".

Best Bit: "The master of the yodel" yodel - great moment that encapuslates the great chemistry between the group.

And now I'm going to say something reallllly shocking: this may be the only time we see Austria in the countdown - so please, let them have their moment.

100. Ireland 2005

PLACING: 100th

YEAR: 2005
COUNTRY: IRELAND

ARTIST: DONNA AND JOE

SONG: "LOVE?"

RESULT: 14TH in SEMI FINAL

". . . If you want it, come and get it, even though you know the score, I will love you, I will hate you then I'll love you even more . . . "

I know, I know! And I'm sorry. But there's something about Donna and Joe that I find really endearing! It's the first upbeat Irish entry in years, and while not reason to justify it's high position (it did beat 236 other songs to be here) it's simply better than some man singing some slow, sad song that no-one really cares about. I really enjoyed the Irish dancing, something we don't see enough of at Eurovision - discounting Nelly Ciobanu's bizarre attempt (including red hair and green dress) in 2009. If anything it distracted the viewer away from the fact Donna and Joe were brother and sister singing a song called "Love?". Actually though, that didn't seem to matter. Neither of them (certainly during that performance!) were exactly oozing sex appeal, they hardly acknowledged each other's existence and it meant Donna could focus on the vocal and Joe could focus on, well, not messing things up. It all felt very high school talent show, where the entire thing was put together in an hour. But in the best way possible. If nothing else during Donna and Joe's Eurovision moment did I want to take my eyes off the screen - and I cannot say that about many Irish entries of the Noughties.

Best Bit: The moment when "The Lovely Gurls" are all over Joe like a rash. Cat that got the cream.

Fact: The word "Love?" is said on 49 occasions during the song. That's an average of once every 3.67 seconds.

Plan.

Bonjour.

As a bit of a distraction until the Eurovision season starts proper - and by proper I mean late January at the earliest (I cannot be dealing with December NF's) - i'm going to be using this blog to recall and review my favourite entries from The Noughties. First of all 'The Noughties' is not my kinda phrase. I'm not that guy. But it does the job of defining the time period without having to write "2000-2009" rather more often than I'd hoped. I will endeavour to use it as infrequently as possible, however it may crop up from time to time. Just saying.

Anyway, for a long time now, i've wanted to rank and rate all the Eurovision entries from the above time period. And now I'm sure you're saying to yourself "But Eurovision 2009 was like a year and a half ago, what's the hold up boyo?". The answer to that question is suitably two-pronged. Firstly, I feel a contest and it's songs cannot be fully judged until another full contest has passed. That way you can look with some distance at the lasting impact of the songs and how they stand-up when they aren't particuarly fresh; we all loved Jade Ewen at the time, but how does "It's My Time" fare now? etc etc. Secondly, I'm pretty lazy and this was supposed to happen in the summer. Apologies.

And so, the first part of my plan is finished. I've rated and ranked the songs. All 336 of them. From "Be Happy!" in 2000 to "La Noche Es Para Mi" in 2009, both glittering like only Eurovision bookends can. I've fought through the drama. You may think it doesn't get bleaker than determining whether Ireland 2001 is actually worse than Latvia 2006. But infact, that's the easy bit. The worst bit is sifting through the thousands upon thousands of entries (um, not really) that come in the middle. Because it's almost fun finding out which entry comes dead last, 336th on you list, it's less fun finding out which entry comes in 207th (coughPortugal2004cough) place.

So i'm going to put my conclusions online. Not all 336 of them mind. I couldn't possibly do that to myself/you. But the Top 100. In reverse order. A few things before we start. I'm hoping to update as often as I can. But I know what i'm like. Come 2016 I'll be hovering around the 87th place mark or suchlike. If you do stumble across this page, don't be bewildered to find that nothing's happened in 3 years. I haven't been killed in some terrible accident involving some glitter or a parasol or a bear attack (careful now), I will probably just be napping. Feel free to poke me, but let's hope it doesn't come to a poke-based situation. That would be embarrassing for us all.

One final note; the list has a slight leaning towards more recent entries. I imagine because there are more of them (2008 has 43 entries, 2001 had 23), the staging at Eurovision now can make almost the worst songs look epic and hey, i'm a modern fellow with modern ideas.

The next time you read this, I'll be reviewing my 100th favourite entry of the Noughties. See, I did promise I wouldn't not use it . . .

Seanster/Euroboy.